I have to live with myself, no way around that! I can’t ignore my body or my mind, though I’ve tried this time and time again out of discomfort, fear, sadness and shame. Got to face it: there is only one place we can’t leave until we die and that’s our bodies and by extension our minds. So I’ve called decided to call that my home. I’ve moved a lot around the world anyways, enough not to call any place home. I’ve also lost people, I know you can’t expect family to stick around forever and I now I’ve lived so far away from them for years that calling them my home was actually painful. So back to my body and mind. At first I felt reluctant to feel like this could be what I call home, does anyone ever want to live in a home that fosters suffering, physical pain and repeatedly had a sound track that goes like this : “there you go again, watching tv with a bag of chips, I’m worthless, making excuses and whining about being tired and needing some pleasure and entertainment, tomorrow I’ll feel even worse because I’m not listening to me, how can I do this to myself?, but it’s too hard to change, I can’t do it, if only I could always take good care of myself, I feel so ashamed of my addictions, there’s no way out”. Much like having a mini dictator inside your home, shouting or simply intimidating you most of the day. No way to escape too! What I did not realize at the time was that I am not just my body and mind. Going beyond these would be where I discovered my true home, one that felt peaceful, loving and joyful and could overtime transform my inner dictator into a harmless purring cat curled up in a corner of my home.
Thankfully my inner dictator was not just a power hungry woman who had gone crazy, in fact when I took the time to sit down and listen to what was underneath all the abuse she was throwing my way, I saw there was fear, anger, overwhelm and genuine concerns that I had to address. You see, my inner dictator was not going to go away easily and without a fight, I had to offer her something better than her current hold over my psyche, something she could not refuse. Could it be that she was a bit like a desperate mother who doesn’t see another way forward and believes the weight of her daughter’s future rests solely on her shoulders. What would happen if I showed up and sat down with her over some tea and biscuits (metaphorically speaking)? At this point it may be useful to call my inner dictator by another name. In essence she is the part of my consciousness and heart that has developed over time through all my life experiences, judging and evaluating everything, creating my subjective reality out of these. She is the one who makes spilt second decisions on who I feel and act in any given situation based on my previous experiences in order to get the most advantage and least pain from life. Like a program on autopilot having come to a life of its own. She believes she is the one who has to keep me safe, make sure my needs are met and drive my life forward. She is the one who has identified herself with the little girl who could never get spelling right due to dyslexia and felt ashamed of her inability to perform at school every day for years, could not stand up for herself and froze when there was confrontation, felt rejected and betrayed by others and felt the horror of realizing the actions humans are capable of. She is also the one who identified herself with the girl who had dreams of becoming someone who knew how to help others and had high ideals, who wanted fantasy, romance, stories of dragons and heroes, lasting friendships, harmony and love. She is steeped in the subjective, in quietly destructive emotions, unattainable dreams and fantasies. One moment she smiles, the next she frowns and closes down. I had to admit she was definitely unstable and becoming more so overtime. This was not completely ME, despite her efforts to find identity I felt she could not grasp the whole of me. So I gave her the name of my false self, my shadow side. Not because I felt she was evil or bad but because I realized she is not the one who can ever truly grasp ME, my deeper nature, my spirit, my truth.
Back to the tea party I had with my false self. I listened to her closely and made a list of all the feelings she was expressing and what unmet needs these were underlying. For example, she often had need to not always be in ’work mode’ which she often tried to fulfill by watching TV while eating food. This often conflicted with her need to be healthy and feel free. This is where a complex network of beliefs, thoughts and emotions could start to be seen. In Ren Xue we called these networks patterns. The patterns manifest as hiding and avoiding from reality, the urge to control everything and unrealistic expectations for myself with corresponding thoughts like “even if I do my best it’s never enough; I cannot face reality and need to escape from it’ and emotions like sadness, shame, fear. These patterns gave my false self an unhealthy view of life, work, what could be pleasurable and relaxing and what true freedom is. The only way out of this kind of situation is to transform these patterns to restore a healthy and objective view of life and oneself. So I dedicated myself to cultivating the five heart qualities (trust, openness, love, gratitude and true respect) and transformation patterns through Yuan Qigong practice, gradually replacing certain behaviors and thoughts and present moment awareness. I came to the practice mat everyday with the intention to show my shadow side that she could relax now; there was someone other than her in charge now. I set the same intention for the whole of the day and paid close attention when any negative emotions popped up, taking it as a sign that I had to do something to meet or transform my needs. Every time I noticed myself believing the story of me being a sad, fearful, powerless and shameful person, I would connect with my heart, my deeper self and what lies beyond me: the great unknown, Nature, the Universe. I surrendered to the mystery and the wisdom of life. To this day, I keep up the practice and am blessed with the changes I see in my life. My false self is definitely on her way to become a great fluffy, purring ally for my life. As a result, my inner space feels like a place I can safely enter to find peace, calm, relaxation, joy, freedom, creativity, wisdom and vitality. This journey of constantly returning to a beautiful, loving space inside myself is what truly coming home means to me.
